Struggling Hearts

All the love he once showed is now gone. Once, the love was so immense that all five senses could feel and cherish it. Now, it is not there anymore; he says it’s there, but my heart fails to see it.

Mere conversations seem like mere tokens, sometimes briefly rekindling the minimum essence of what existed before, only to turn stale once again.

The promise of “will call you later” remains unfulfilled. The promise of “will text you after dinner” comes the next day.

Night’s pass without the comfort of a goodnight text, and mornings begin with a dry phone devoid of your good morning text.

Yet, this heart can’t fathom existence without you; it’s aware. 

Sometimes, days go by with no meaningful conversation, sometimes no conversation at all. Then out of nowhere, you want to converse with the tenderness of love again. How do I reassure my heart that you mean the love? How do I adjust to silence before. 

You claim you’re trying, that I’m the one for you—constantly on your mind. These words, the ones my heart yearns for, now bring me happiness, for I desire to be your one, just as you are mine.

Yet, disappointment is here again, and loneliness creeps in.

I tell myself not to expect, yet I still await your texts, knowing they won’t come when I yearn the most. I sleep without your message. Well, you did text when it was past 2:00am in the morning and I was sleeping.

I cannot remember how you were when you wanted me to be yours. Were you flirtatious?

I do remember we were talking till 4:00 am in the morning about nothing and everything, about your favourite music, your funny replies on my stories, you introducing me to new genres of music, you telling me about the stars, you accompanying me when I felt lonely the most, making me laugh, happy, curious, you were there now you are not, when I am happy or even when I am lonely.

You are not there anymore, hiding behind two words: “busy lifestyle.” Will I ever get to see him? I miss him a lot. He was someone I fell in love with, but now he is nowhere to be seen, he is gone.

When I ask about him, we end up fighting. You tell me there is more to life, that love cannot feed us. I end up crying, you end up frustrated.

We reconcile, you tell me you’ll do better, I tell you I will understand but I do not understand and you cannot do better.

Perhaps you found time for me tonight, messaging with the intent of an extended conversation. You can’t wait to share your day’s events and what lies ahead. Talking to me makes your day better. I should feel special, right? Yet, I struggle to engage in conversation with you. How can I act like everything is fine, like your silence till now didn’t matter?  like I was also having a life of my own and was not missing you, was not expecting you, how can I hide my disappointment? And have a conversation I was waiting for so long to have…you see through me you ask if I am mad. But I promised you that I will understand so I say no, you try to continue but you do not feel it anymore.

I’ve soured your mood. You were eager to share, and deep down, I yearned to listen. 

We end up saying our byes and promising to have a good conversation tomorrow knowing that it will not happen any sooner.

Yet I’m not leaving, perhaps because I can’t. 

I see us in the future under the towering tree, its expansive shrubbery casting shade on us. Our hands, weathered with time, rests under the sun. My head leans on your shoulder, tranquility abounds. How could I exchange this memory for anything else?

However, sometimes the image gets blurry sometimes it is not there, sometimes I feel it will not happen. I cannot ignore the feeling that I am going through. You’ve forgotten to nurture love, and I have forgotten how your love once felt.

What remains is deliberate intimacy and forced conversations.